is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
