There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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