dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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