More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
