My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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