I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
