Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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