When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
