Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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