I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize