if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
