At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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