I could make wine with my vomit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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