apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
