My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
