Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
