Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
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