First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
