I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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