I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
