you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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