This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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