I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
