He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
