just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
