For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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