True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How external is "for external use only"?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
