I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
