Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
