god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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