i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
