I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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