I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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