If i could tip my vagina, i would.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
