i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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