Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
