I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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