I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
