How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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