Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
