You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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