Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
