I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
