Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
