this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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