so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
