Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
