I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
