I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize