Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
this just has baby written all over it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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