I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
