I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I still have a little drunk in my system
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
