I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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