I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
