I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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