respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
