I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When are your genitals available?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
